sohotrightnow: the top of a swimming young woman's torso. ([stock] magen david)
I am probably going to take a bit of a hiatus shortly, except maybe for posts to the conversion filter? IDK. I did a lot of navel-gazing in preparation for the Days of Awe, and then, in what can only be a sign of something from somebody, I got a flat tire on the way to the service yesterday. I also got a lot more clear ideas for an original thing that's been frustrating me for months on Wednesday morning, and the sermon Sponsoring Rabbi gave was about being part of the community and the campaign they're launching to try and figure out what more we can do, which starts with talking to each other. I don't know, there were just a whole lot of things going around in my mind -- which is appropriate -- and I've been scarce lately anyway, so just a heads-up, if I continue to be scarce, I'm not dead and things aren't bad, I'm just in an "ebb" period in the ebb-and-flow of this whole thing and I'm wondering if I need to sacrifice Internet time to get writing done and get involved more. I'll probably still be reading, and obviously I'll fulfill my [livejournal.com profile] help_pakistan commitments! But, you know, if I'm scarce, don't panic, because I know it's normally impossible to shut me up.

This is pretty important, though. I'll save the worst of the tl;dr for the conversion filter, but I will say that a big part of what motivated me to finally stop putting off seeing a doctor about my attention span issues was reading some of the books my rabbi recommended for High Holy Days preparation. And since I've been on the Concerta -- not only am I less careless (by which I know I've hurt people unintentionally), but my mood is so much more stable, and I'm so much calmer. I hadn't thought I had a temper until I discovered what it was like to not have every little thing make me angry or upset or anxious. And I know some of it's been unintentional, but the fact is, I'm a jerk, and most of the time I'm okay with that, but sometimes I'm petty and mean and things make me irrationally angry and I take it out on whoever said whatever stupid thing pressed my button even though they didn't mean to. And frankly, that's probably happened more times than I can remember. And I don't want to blame any and all bad behavior on the ADHD, because, you know, like I say, I'm a jerk.* But I think it's probably been the biggest factor in my hurting people in the past year, intentionally or not, and I want to apologize for that.

I'm going to repost [personal profile] fox1013's message for this time of year.
One of the big pieces of the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is that you reflect over the past year, and you attempt to (A) accept and forgive anything that has been done to you, and (B) apologize and ask forgiveness for anything you have done to others.

Anonymous is enabled, and all comments are screened. If I've done anything to hurt you this year, let me know. If there's anything you think I might still be upset over, let me know that too. I won't unscreen unless you specifically request I do- or, well, I'll reply, but then I will re-screen immediately. (Er, if it's anon, I do not know if that's possible? But yes. I will try!) The goal isn't to start fresh- that's often not possible- but to acknowledge what has happened over this year (or any previous time, if you so choose) as an attempt to not have it happen again.

I promise to treat anything you say seriously and respectfully, and I will seriously be considering it over the next ten days.
ILU, bbs. ♥ Since I didn't say it yesterday, Shana Tova if you celebrate it, and Eid Said if you celebrate that, and happy Friday to everyone else!

*I'm calling myself that as shorthand for a lot of things, not all of them negative! So please don't feel like you have to rush and tell me that I'm not a jerk. There are plenty of things about my jerkitude that I feel are positives -- I'm fairly sensible, I don't suffer fools gladly, I have a dark sense of humor that gets me through really hard times -- but then there are some downsides as well, and this time of year is all about being able to see and accept and work with both. Embracing the good, and acknowledging the not-so-good and trying to figure out how to make it better, or at least decrease the amount of damage it can do.
sohotrightnow: the top of a swimming young woman's torso. ([stock] magen david)
So, obviously we are all -- with good reason -- paying attention to the discussion around the J2 white-man's-burden-palooza that was [livejournal.com profile] gatorgrrl's Big Bang (if you missed it, [personal profile] amazonziti has a good run-through and collection of links to start with), but in case you didn't get your fill of rage at fannish fail this week already, [personal profile] inlovewithnight was also kind enough to bring another one to my attention, one that made me angrier and angrier the more I thought about it! Namely [livejournal.com profile] promisethstars's Bandom Big Bang story, wherein Gabe Saporta is a Catholic priest. Because, you know, he's Latino, so he can totally be Catholic, because everyone who speaks Spanish must be Catholic! It's not like he's been super-vocal about how important he considers his Jewish identity or there's a really nasty tendency in modern Western society to write Judaism off as the beta testing stage of Christianity or an even uglier history of forcibly converting Jews or anyth -- oh wait.

Goodness gracious I am seething! I need a cookie. That will help.

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